Unexpected First

Many times after a tragedy you experience a year of “firsts” as  you settle into a new reality. Whether it’s the heartbreak of a broken family, the loss of a loved one, or a lifelong sickness setting in, surely my family isn’t alone in experiencing the newness that comes after your world has been shaken.

Next year will be 15 years since my daddy stepped foot through our front door, or sat around our kitchen table for supper, or tucked us in at night and fell asleep while he scratched our backs. The first couple of years without him we faced many of the “firsts.” We woke up the day after he died to a life that looked completely different than the one we had been living. That emptiness we felt without him being physically present began immediately and came full force. Whether it was the big things like Christmas and birthdays, or the small occasions such as a tractor pulling by without him in it, or a school play that he couldn’t attend- each one came and went hurting just a little worse than the one before.

The happiest things in our lives have always stung just a little more knowing that a huge piece of our heart wouldn’t be standing by our sides. Getting announced homecoming court, walking outside to our first car, or getting ready for our senior prom- all exciting times that we learned to grit our teeth at and cling even more to Jesus during as we held back bittersweet tears. Graduating high school and preparing for college were some of the hardest times I have faced without my daddy, but they were very much expected. I knew that that season of life would tug on my heart a little more than the normal day.

Each time that we have experienced a “first” without him has seemed to come and go. That birthday passed, that excitement faded, and senior year came to a close. Recently my family has come upon a season, however, that has been an unexpected first. Personally, it has seemed more difficult to adjust to. It has been a time that won’t soon pass- but will become once again the new reality of our family.

A daughter dreams of the day her dad will one day walk her down the aisle to the one her soul has come to love. We count down the days until our wedding and husband become more than just a desire hidden in our hearts. Me and my sister aren’t exempt to those wants- we just knew they would play out very differently with our daddy not being here. It’s a first we had to yet to experience. When my sister got engaged we were all over the moon excited, but I couldn’t help but think of all that was about to happen to the dynamic of my family. The question that had always loomed in the back of our minds was finally at the forefront of our thoughts as we planned my sister’s wedding, “who would walk us down the aisle?” She made the perfect choice of Ben being the one to get the honor of seeing her handed away to Aaron, but the time didn’t come without its many tears and hurting hearts. We loved Aaron, we loved the marriage taking place, and we knew daddy would have, too. We were walking through a time in life that we had only anticipated, only wondered about. Beth and Aaron drove away the night of their wedding to the start of a new and beautiful life together, as our family took a turn to another first without daddy by our side.

Beth and Aaron now live in their own home, I moved back to school, and Ben is old enough to go and do without needing to be dropped off and picked up. I spent the summer at home and moving back to Troy was much more difficult this go round than it was the first. Not in the nerves and fear of a new place, but in knowing that my life at home was completely different. Please hear me out- it wasn’t a bad different. It was a good, exciting time in our lives! But that didn’t make every aspect of it easy. For my entire life we all lived inside the walls of the same home. Now it was all starting to look very different.

I wasn’t anticipating this to be a difficult transition. I wasn’t expecting for it to make me miss my dad and long for our family to be complete again more than I have in a long time. My mom is having to settle into the reality that one day we will all be off, and she will be behind to cheer us on. I hurt for my mom, seeing her walk through this “first” where she’s entering into her empty nesting stage of life without her husband by her side. Its tough. Its new. It’s untread waters.

What we have seen from our God in the past 15 years doesn’t restrict us as we go froward- it propels us. We have seen, we have tasted, and we know. The Lord has been faithful to us through scary times we have walked through before, so why would we begin to doubt Him now?

As I continue on day by day I will seek even more the heart of my God. Where I don’t understand, I will trust His promises. Where I hurt and cry, I will fall into His arms. I will hope in the truth of the victory that He has already secured. I will walk from that victory, not for it.

I cherish my home and my family. I cherish the seasons we have been through in the past, and I’m expectant of all the incredible times that await us up ahead. Maybe I’m the weird college kid that goes home more weekends than others, but having walked through what my family has walked through I just can’t help but want to spend every chance I get with them. As I get older it becomes less of a “have to” and more of a “want to.”

Friends, the Lord has been so good to us. Our circumstances don’t define His goodness. He brought life, hope, and joy to a place that shouldn’t have it. So although things seem different, we continue to rejoice in who He is. I am encouraged by the verses of 2 Corinthians 4 that say,

“But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us. We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted but not forsakes; struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying in the body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our bodies….

So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but that the things that are unseen are eternal.”

2 Corinthians 4:7-12, 16-18

Abba Father,

Thank you for constantly teaching me about your goodness and about your faithfulness. You’ve walked hand in hand with my family for so long, and we have no doubt that you will continue. Things do look different to us for right now, show our hearts the purpose that this season holds as the ones in the past have. Father, I love you so much. Thank you for shining light through our brokenness and speaking hope to a place of pain. You redefine life. Praise you, praise you, praise your holy and great name!

Love, Em

My mom has the greatest servants heart. She loves us so well. I wouldn’t be me without her.