Purpose

A long time has passed, it seems, since I’ve sat behind these keys and typed out the memories I have from Kenya and how the Lord worked, and is continuing to work, in my life. It’s almost bittersweet for time to continue passing by, knowing that that season of my life just continues to grow further and further from me. I wish I could bottle up every single moment I spent in Africa and keep them close forever. There are so many things I still feel that I’ve yet to process fully and fear that I might not have the time to fully sit in the weight of each truth the Lord revealed to me before I begin to forget those times. I’m thankful, however, that somebody suggested I keep a daily journal throughout my time there. Often I find myself flipping through the pages, closing my eyes and imaging that my reality is still what is actually now a distant memory.

There was one day of my trip that I’m not sure I will fully wrap my heart around for quite some time. There was so much that led up to the day, so much that went on in my head the day of, and so much I continue to dwell on now that is has passed. Many of you knew my story, or have heard in the process of my going, why Kenya was special place to me. There was a school in the town of Njoro that a piece of me always felt a part of and longed to see. Through the faithful and gracious obedience of my grandparents to help a group of people put up the walls and fill the classrooms, a school was formed and built in my dad’s memory. Though my dad never knew these people personally, a piece of him and his legacy, I always felt, was left across the world from me. Since the beginning of the project I desired for the opportunity to step foot in its classrooms and hallways for myself. This is the story of the day that desire came to fruition:

The night before the scheduled day to visit the school we climbed into our matatu and headed out to Nakuru, Kenya. This part of our journey was towards the end of our four weeks in Kenya and the anticipation that had built up inside of me was so real. I journaled as we rode, trying to make sense of all of the emotions. I couldn’t quite fathom that this was real life.

“Tomorrow’s the day I’ve prayed over and dreamt about. I’m not entirely sure how my emotions will be, but I feel them welling up inside of me. I wish I could remember the lessons being taught to me by my dad that I now know and walk in. I wish I could feel his embrace and call him to hear his voice. I wish I could picture the day I get married with great anticipation of being walked down the aisle by him, without having to figure out how I will choose to honor his memory and fill the void.

But yet, here I am. Sitting in a van in Kenya, Africa traveling to the city where a school sits that has a sign that reads “This building in memory of Eric Tew.”

–  Journal Entry

We arrived at the home of the Bulimu family. These people were precious in every way. They were full of life that flowed out of everything they did, and it was evident it was the joy of the Lord that was running over in their souls. We shared a meal and many laughs before I took time to share my story with the group. I wanted each person present to understand why this day meant so much to me so that they, too, may taste and see of a glimpse of the glory of the Lord at work. I was so thankful to be surrounded by the people in that room, as I knew each heart was first steadfast after the Lord and second steadfast in loving and caring for me in that day.

“When I think back on my life it’s easy to picture daddy fitting into each piece. He could’ve been there to teach Ben to drive a tractor and handle our yard. He could’ve picked me up from dance and slept through recitals like Uncle Myron. He would’ve been the one that Aaron took out to eat when he asked for Beth’s hand in marriage. But in that place, instead, I look and see the hand of God woven intricately into each detail of my family’s life.

– Journal Entry

After sharing my heart and shedding a few tears, I learned that the family that had taken us in for those few days had recently lost their husband and father to cancer. I couldn’t quite wrap my mind around the kindness of the Lord in that moment to realize that he had taken two families, two stories, and two different faithful men living across the world from each other and intertwined their stories in such a beautiful way that spoke of His glory. Seeing this family, their joy and faithfulness to the Lord, encouraged my hurting heart in such huge ways. Ms. Bulimu placed her hand over mine and smiled. Her smile was full of peace in her Abba Father as she whispered into my ear, “it’s okay to be emotional, those are real emotions, don’t hide them. We’re here with you. He is here with you.” How beautiful are the plans of our Lord?

I woke on the day of and butterflies filled my stomach. I didn’t want to have expectations for what was to come. After anticipating it for so long, it scared me to possibly be let down if it didn’t “live up” in some way to the ideas I had for it in my head. Oh, but how it exceeded all of those and more. We pulled into the school yard early that afternoon and before me were the buildings, the people, the students- all that I had only seen in pictures all laid out in front of me. A sense of calming peace rushed through my soul.

I was greeted by Isaac, the pastor who partnered with my grandparents those many years ago. It was his vision to build this school and he has been faithful to see it through over the years. The last time we had greeted each other would have been on American soil. Never in those moments did it cross either of our minds, I’m sure, that the next time we would embrace would be standing under the sky of an African day. My heart was so full of joy.

Isaac and other members of the school board showed us around the school grounds, from each office and every classroom. I walked slowly, trying to take it all in and not miss any detail. Thoughts of every kind rushed through my mind. One that I still haven’t been able to shake was the thought that real lives, real teachers, real students, with real families and real struggles- these were the souls that sat in these seats each day. This was their reality. This was their home, maybe all they ever knew. I rounded the corner of the new building and before me was the plaque I had long-awaited to see. Alas I read,

“This Wing of A.I.C Secondary School was built in honor of the late Eric Tew.

Son of David and MaryAnn Tew.

Husband to Andrea.

Father to Beth, Emily, and Ben.

Born: 1961

Died: 2003″

Instantly the lives of these Kenyans and my own collided. Those names on that plaque: real names, real people, real lives.

“What if it took cancer coursing through my dad’s veins for a nurse to see a heart devoted to prayer, which led her to her own knees? What if it took a turn for the worst and a bad report for my dad’s friends to learn to cling to the Lord again? What if it took my dad’s dying breath to drive me to my knees in desperation so that I could find Christ as my Savior?”

-Journey Entry

Staring at the stone of the building, forever marked by my family’s names, sadness took hold of my heart. These were the emotions Ms. Bulimu told me not to push down. They were real, because sin is real and therefore death is real. “Is this all his life amounted to?” That’s the question that stung to the core. And for a moment I sat in that place. He lived, he died, and this is what is left. But the joy of the Lord came rushing in- yes, THIS is what is left! Yes- your life now redeemed by Christ THAT is what is left. My family, which now rejoices in hope and knows it so personally- THAT is what is left. And these children that live across the ocean from me and every day get to come to school and receive education, care, and love- THAT is what is left. What a purposeful life my dad lived, and died, if the Lord has used even his legacy to call the lost to his name and to provide for those without.

“What if it took the courage of my mom standing in front of the casket of her husband, singing, “It is well with my soul,” to inspire hope in a coworker’s heart that was facing dark days? What if it took the suffering of a family to bind them together in love and unity? What if it took the long days and hard nights for a single mother to learn true dependence on a Heavenly Father? What if it took the tears of a church family for them to understand God’s design for their local body? What if it took the life of three kids, growing without a father, for them to know intimately their heavenly Father?”

-Journal Entry

We walked into the newest building, their gathering place. I was told they had an assembly planned for our visit and was so anxious to put faces to the children I had imagined sitting in those desks. I was on top of the world walking into that room full of smiling children, who more than likely had no clue the weight of that day on my life. They never knew my dad and possibly had only ever heard brief stories of his life or why his picture was on the side of their building, but boy did I see him in each of their faces. They had prepared several presentations for us. Each of them were so talented as they recited poems and sang songs for our enjoyment. One student stood to recite her poem and prefaced her performance by saying that the poem had been written about her own life. I leaned in a little closer to make sure I did not miss one detail. The poem told the story of an orphan girl, without both her father and mother, left alone in the world. Through the school, teachers, and community of AIC Secondary School her life had gained new meaning. She no longer felt held back or left alone due to being raised an orphan. Instead, she felt empowered, able, and loved. My soul shook within me. This young girl’s life had been forever changed because of the opportunities and the people placed into her life just due to the fact that this school existed. It’s easy to say that I would do anything to have my dad back with me present in this life, but when I looked into this girl’s face and saw the hope that existed, the joy that was present, and the life that was beaming within her my heart knew that,  though I lacked my dad physically in this life, the Lord had been sovereign and faithful over the death of His saint- even as far to this child’s life.

“What if it took the legacy of a man gone too soon to reach farther than his feet could have ever tread for the sake of the Gospel? And what if it took his memory to create a vision to build a school so that a child in the heart of Africa could earn an education?

“When peace like a river attended my way, when sorrows like sea billows roll. Whatever my lot, thou hast taught me to say: it is well, it is well with my soul.”

I sing this song in full confidence of a sovereign God that has promised and proven to work all things together for good. I trust that the life and death of my dad was of no exception.”

-Journal Entry

I wanted to stay for days and get to know each soul that sat before me in that room. I wanted to hug each person’s neck and know their names, their hearts, their goals and dreams. Before the assembly was concluded I was able to take a few minutes to share my heart with them and hopefully, the heart of my dad, as well. I had prayed through what the Lord would have me say so that they might get a closer glimpse of Himself through my family’s story. Throughout my entire life I have played the words of 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 over and over in my head. These are the words that are engraved at the foot of my dad’s grave. They were the guiding force of his life and the truth that he believed in. I knew that if there was anything I could share with these students, it had to be those words.

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 

Rejoice Always

… on good days when the sun shines bright

… on bad days when you’d rather stay inside

… when it all makes sense and you see the hand of God at work

… and when it all seems senseless and you have to ask God for eyes to see.

Pray Continuously

… when all seems well and praises flow out freely

… when your days are shattering- for He is with you in those moments, too

… for those you know and love, that they might know the hope of a savior

… and also for yourself, that you know him more and walk blameless in his sight.

Give Thanks in All Circumstances 

… because God is good and He is working all things together with purpose

… because God is true and He has promised his presence and will never walk out

… because God is faithful and in the midst of it all, He is chasing after your heart all the more

… and because God is love and when all in this world falls away- He remains.

For This is the Will of God for You in Christ Jesus. 

Now whether or not they understood my words or heard me clearly, I do not know. I believe that in that moment where my heart’s desire was to encourage them, instead, a piece of my own heart found rest and encouragement. Over the entirety of that day I saw firsthand the faithfulness of the Lord, the hope that He brings about, and the joy that exists only through knowing Him in an area of life where it would be very easy to never know those things.

“So, I joyfully ride through the countryside of Africa to step onto a school property that my God worked in a man’s life that would be born, raised, walk diligently with the Lord, marry, farm the land, raise a family, and go soon to sit at his father’s feet. If it took cancer, if it took tears, if it took desperation of one man and one family for many to be blessed- what glory to our God. Amen. “

-Journal Entry.

I read a quote yesterday that said something along the lines of “maybe you were given the mountains to show others around you that they can be moved.” It’s easy to drift to a place of bitterness and questioning when I think about the reality of my life. How could this be the case for MY family, MY life? The faithfulness of the Lord has continually been etching on my heart throughout each day I have been given a renewed perspective that views all that my family has faced through the lenses of eternity. The sovereignty of God is not absent in our sufferings and in our tears, instead, it is at work for our good and for His glory.

In our college service at church a few weeks ago we looked at the mirroring truths in the following two verses:

Isaiah 53:4

“… Surely he has borne our griefs and carried our sorrows.”

Matthew 8:17

“… He took our illness and bore all our disease.” 

When Isaiah wrote the words “griefs and sorrows” he was referring to our sins. Matthew, many years later, interpreted those words into our “illnesses and diseases.” This is not a discrepancy in translation of what Isaiah originally meant for those words to mean. The effects of our sin IS death (Romans 6:23). The presence of sickness and suffering in our world is due to the absence of perfection in the world that we live in. In Romans 8 we read that the entire earth, creation and mankind, alike, are groaning together in pains of childbirth waiting for the complete restoration from our bondage to corruption. Jesus DID bear all effects of sin on the cross, but we don’t get to enjoy all of those quite yet on this earth. The purpose of our sickness and suffering is to show the bigger picture. It is only a parable for the worst problem that exists: sin. Jesus came to be our healer and our redeemer. The suffering that we face physically on this earth should be used to point us to our greater need of healing, healing from our sin, which is provided through the blood of Christ.

As believers we are not exempt from suffering. My family was not exempt from suffering just because we proclaimed Christ as Lord. Cancer coursed through my dad’s bones because sin exists in this world and therefore our health is compromised. But one day all will be restored. Our health, our brokenness, and our scars will come face to face with the supreme healer- Jesus Christ- who not only has the power to heal us physically if He chooses, but more importantly, can heal us spiritually for eternity. That’s the healing we need most.

So when I think about the reality of my dad’s life and the trials and sufferings that my family has faced since then I am led to the foot of the cross where I am able to see the bigger picture- the picture where the Lord is sovereign over even death as near as in my own heart and as far as to the other side of the world in the lives of 150 high school students.

Romans 8: 18-25

I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. For the creation waits in eager expectation for the children of God to be revealed. For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the freedom and glory of the children of God.

We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the first fruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption to sonship, the redemption of our bodies. For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what they already have? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I remember reading my dad’s journal that he kept during his cancer journey for the first time and being blown away by one common theme: faith.

My family faced many uncertain days during that 13 month long journey. Word after word, sentence after sentence that my dad poured his heart into on each page and not one of them reflected a fearful soul, or one of unbelief. He not only believed in who His God was,  He was walking daily in that belief. His actions were echoes of a heart completely surrendered to the will of God- no matter what that was. The Lord came through on His promises to our family, though not in the timing we would have necessarily chosen- He  brought my dad’s salvation to complete fruition. He called my dad home to eternity, wiping away his tears and healing all of his wounds, and in the meantime carried those of us daddy left behind steadfastly, and has yet to let up on His faithfulness towards us.

James 2:22

You see that faith was active along with his works, and faith was completed by his works.

This verse describes the life of Abraham, and his willingness to take his son, Isaac, to be offered as a sacrifice. He had faith in God, and actions that proved His faith. 

Over the past couple years of my college journey, the Lord has kept me coming back to these truths of faith. Recently I have been reading Luke 8. In this chapter, after Jesus teaches the parable of the sower, he gets into a boat with his disciples to cross the sea which suddenly begins to rage as a storm brews. The fear rises up in the disciples hearts and they quickly wake up the resting Lord begging for help. Jesus stands, calms the wind and the rain, turns to face His disciples and says “where is your faith?” He had just explained to the crowds that true faith falls on a ready soul waiting to receive. It hears the Word, retains the Word, and obeys the Word. Many times our fear reveals where we really are in our faith. I’ve heard it said that fear is belief that the enemy will prevail. 

Many of you have been following along with my journey over the past several months as I have been preparing for my trip to Kenya. The countdown has quickly switched to single digits and in just one week I’ll be flying high towards African soil. I’ve shared with many my excitement for my time there, as well as the fears that have crept into my heart. As the days have approached the enemy has tried so fervently to wrap my mind in “what ifs.” Yet time and time again the Lord has placed scripture in my paths, such as Psalm 20, to remind me that He is the God of time, the God of creation, the God of the seas, and the God of my life- some trust in chariots and horses, but by trusting in Him I will not fall. In Him, we have no room to fear, no room to worry, no room to question- we serve a sovereign Lord that all of creation bows down to. I desire for a heart that not only knows this as knowledge, but knows that in faith and acts upon it in all that I do- in both my time in Kenya, as well as my life here in the States.

Traveling to Kenya for a month seemed at once like a piece of cake, but as it has gotten closer I’ve realized it’s a bit of a bigger step for me than I was making it out to be. It will be a journey that I am stretched in my faith as boundaries are broken down in multiple ways. I know it will be a time that I can’t just talk the talk, but have to walk the walk as Abraham did, and as my dad did. Of course there are countless opportunities for things to go awry, but even in those places where I’m sure they will, God sits enthroned and will have His way, and that’s the way I want to walk in.

I have no doubt in my mind that this is the exact place the Lord has called me to in this season. I have been blown away by the provision of the Lord through so many of you. I have not had to worry at all about how we would financially afford this trip.  I have heard countless stories from many of you that made tremendous sacrifices to send me on this trip. I wish so bad I could look each of you in the eye and say “thank you!” a million times over. Not only for giving to me personally, but for serving the Lord in this way. You have a direct hand in the ministry that takes place while I’m there, even though your feet might never leave the U.S. I am so encouraged by your FAITH in the work of God. I pray that I am a faithful steward of the money that I have received from you as I go and be the hands and feet of Jesus in Kenya.

Packing is in full swing (okay… thats a lie. It’ll happen by Thursday… maybe Saturday.), and all the last minute details are being worked out. My mom has promised me anything I want, (okay… also a lie. Whatever I wanted to EAT, but I could probably negotiate more… hehe!) and I’m sure soon enough a couple tears will be shed. But guys- I AM GOING TO KENYA!!!! The Lord has been faithful to this desire in my heart for so many years, and I am over the moon excited about this incredible experience I will soon embark upon! We will have the opportunity to come alongside Matania’s Hope in their already established work in Nairobi and cities surrounding as we visit with families and students, hand out much needed supplies to those going without, and even get to visit the school in my dad’s memory! EEEEEEEP!!

I ask for your prayers as me and my team leave Monday, June 11th and will return July 11th! We will face the heat and exhaustion I’m sure, but oh how worth it it will be!!! Here I go, on this incredibly journey of faith!

Love, Em

 

 

 

 

The process of preparing for Kenya is continuing every day as the time between now and then grows shorter with every passing day. This journey has been an incredibly humbling experience as support raising for my team is in full swing. Each of us individually have been working with our local churches, family members, and friends to raise the funds needed to send us to Kenya and to supply us with what we need.

This trip is one fiercely personal to a passion that has been building in me for more years than I can remember. Every time I stop and think of whats to come, I am blown away all over again by the faithfulness of the Lord to allow me the incredible opportunity to travel to this country. If you don’t know anything about me at all, one of the most important things I could impress on you is how wildly important my family is to me. And each stage of life they just become even more important to me in brand new ways, and I learn to cherish the differences in that with each new season. My dad was, and always will be, one of the most impactful people in my life. I get asked often if I even remember much about him, being that I was so young when he went to be with the Lord. Sometimes I’m taken back by how gracious the Lord has been to me to leave so much of my dad in my life throughout the years. I see him in every part of my family- the family that he built. The school that sits on Kenyan soil holds a part of my dad that’s never been in my reach, and now that it possibly is in reach… my heart can barely handle it.

As our team has begun meeting regularly to plan, prepare, and pray over our time across the sea we have begun to dive into the details and logistics of what our trip could look like. Up until this point, my heart sat in the place of the paragraph above- overwhelmed and excited. But as time has ticked on, the excitement hasn’t died a bit, but reality has set in a little more. And in the face of reality, fear has begun to creep into my heart. In my family’s dynamics communication is rampant. Every day, most the times more than once a day, I talk to my mom, my sister, and my brother in some capacity. Maybe it’s what we’ve walked through together that just don’t allow those bonds to back off, even with differences in distance and schedules. While I’m in Kenya that aspect of my family will cease. Questions have started racing through my head, with one at the forefront: can I really do this?

In the midst of the thoughts, that Sunday morning at church I listened to a sermon on the Great Commission. What a timely God we have, right? A passage I’ve heard for my entire life growing up in the church, that continues to have so much to do in my heart.

Matthew 28:16-20

 Now the eleven disciples went to Galilee, to the mountain to which Jesus had directed them. And when they saw him they worshiped him, but some doubted.  And Jesus came and said to them, “All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. Go therefore and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit,  teaching them to observe all that I have commanded you. And behold, I am with you always, to the end of the age.”

I’ve always heard the “go and make disciples,” but this time I heard something different. “All authority on heaven and on each has been given to me. Go therefore…”  This was the section of these verses that was focused on this Sunday morning. We go and make disciples because He already holds all authority, and all power. In no way do we go out for the victory to be secured, we go out from the victory that has already been secured. 

Philippians 2:10-11

so that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father.

As this truth poured over my soul, so did a peace, a confidence, and a courage. The answer to my fearful question “can I do it?” was still a resounding no. In my own strength, in my own abilities, in my own emotions, in my own will- it is a hopeless cause. But because of the price that He paid, the battle that He already won I can go to Kenya with a reassurance that no matter what does or doesn’t take place on that soil, every knee WILL bow, and every tongue WILL confess on that glorious day. These promises aren’t just secured for my trip to another country, but hold true every single day of my life as I get up and walk outside my door to a college campus full of souls in need of the Gospel.

I know the Lord is calling me to step out in faith, even in the fear, and to fully immerse myself in this calling on my life in this season of my life. And if that takes some scary sacrifices, it’s time I step out all in for the Gospel and a battle that has already been won.

The Gospel:

It is discovering a treasure of such surpassing that those who find it simply aren’t willing to settle for the mud-pie riches and glory of this fallen world. It is a treasure that is better than life, and nothing demonstrates that value of a treasure more than what we are willing to suffer and lose in order to have it. So lose it all in order to gain everything.

So Go, therefore…

Love, Em

Please continue to lift up our team in your prayers as we grow in unity, raise support, and work out the details of the journey. Plane tickets have officially been purchased and it won’t be long till we step out onto Kenyan soil! I am thrilled!!

Psalm 23:1 The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want.

Not because it’s wrong to want, but because in Christ- there’s no need for it.

---

It was the summer after my senior year of high school when this first resonated with me in an unforgettable way. I was serving at Camp Victory as a counselor, studying through each verse of this Psalm. I remember at that time in my life, there was a search for contentment that the words of these verses spoke to very intentionally.

College began, and a whirlwind of changes happened in my life. Suddenly my normal was turned upside down, in both a beautiful and terrifying way. A year and a half later I sat in the lone coffee shop of Troy, Alabama, and flipped open to these exact same words.

I remember so vividly those last few months of high school when I was longing for a new pace. I anxiously waited for the day that my home was shared with a college home. Now that I have lived in that reality for some time now, and sit at the end of yet another semester, Psalm 23 forced me into a reflection time of the Lord’s presence in my life in this season.

A constant theme since that first summer out of high school for me has been the battle being content. For the first time in my life I see the dawn breaking on an overwhelmingly satisfying contentment in just Jesus. A contentment that stretches beyond my circumstances, beyond my desires, beyond my needs, to a place of rest in daily walk with my Savior. So many lessons are yet to be learned and I know I still have room to grow, but to look back over the process of this journey from where I was to where I’m going almost drops me to my knees instantly.

At the beginning of this semester I read Katie Majors’ new book, “Daring to Hope.” In the book, Katie talked about her battle against the situations she was facing and her ability to be content in the Lord no matter what each new day brought her way. She began writing on sticky notes things she saw as blessings from the Lord- the trials and tears, along with the beauty and wonders. She hung them all over her kitchen so daily she would be reminded of the Lord’s constant presence in every aspect of her life. I adopted the practice in my own life. Every morning I sit on my dorm floor to get ready in front of a mirror hung on my door.  It’s where I start my day, so I thought I’d begin using the time as Katie did to remind myself of all that the Lord was doing in my life. Quickly the door began to fill up with bright pink sticky notes with anything and everything I saw the presence of the Lord in. Every morning I sit in that same place and see the Lord’s faithful hand on my life- and each morning I’m reminded that He is providing just what I need, exactly when I need it, in Himself.

This morning I sit in my dorm room, with only moments left before it’s time to lock the door behind me, close out my third semester at Troy U, and head home. The word ringing true in my thoughts as I think back over this semester is faithful. I’ve seen the Lord’s faithfulness in the days of good, the days of trial, the days of questioning, and the days of rejoicing trough this entire season of my life. So many lessons have been learned, so many lessons are yet to be learned. My time in college has shown me so evidently how broken I am in sin, how much work there is to do on my heart, and sometimes it’s overwhelming how much I feel like I just can’t get things right. But with that humbling truth has come a wave of grace, mercy, and love washed over every inch of shame and guilt- because I know that He is working, I know that He is here. It is His sacrifice that now defines my life.  I’ve learned a raw dependence on the Lord, and experienced my absolute need for Him in a way I am so thankful for. I’m learning every day on this journey of life how good He is. When I begin to see everything else around me in the light of that goodness, I shall not want.

 

Dear Abba Father,

All my praises are fixed towards you. Thank you for teaching me that you not only supply my every need, but my every want.

 

 

 

Love,

Em

 

 

 

 

The last few days, even weeks, have been heavy.

We have seen and experienced devastation. Homes ripped up from their seams. Towns flooded. Families separated. Fear settling in as we wake up to face the unknown. As storms barreled towards Florida, I heard stories from some traveling great distances,  leaving their life behind them, not knowing what they would return to.

Refuge: a condition of being safe or sheltered from pursuit, danger, or trouble.

A condition of being safe…

As I write these words, I am overwhelmed by emotion. I’ve seen the hurt. I’ve seen the destruction. I’ve seen what people are running from and running to.

But even that refuge won’t last. Eventually they will have to leave that shelter and safety and drive back to what might be a mess of a home and build it back again. And another storm will brew. Whether it be a hurricane, a divorce, a death, a disease, or a lost job. There’s no refuge in this world that will last.

“…every storm that I face, when foundations give way, even in my mistake- you are my refuge.”

But there is a God that has secured a victory outside of the boundaries of this world. Our lives will shake and shatter. The winds will whirl and the earth will give way. It isn’t the circumstances that we face that determine His goodness.

I write this from a very personal place. Maybe I reference this too often, but when you have walked through losing a daddy at such a young age, you find yourself in a very vulnerable state. It was in those times of questions, fear, and anger at the brokenness that my family was having to face that the Lord began to show me the raw hope that He offers through Himself. And it is in that place that I continuously find more peace, love, and safety. I find rest in the eye of the storm, not because everything makes sense around me, but because I have tasted and seen of a God that has defeated sin and promises me an eternity.

I wish I could sit across a table from you, drink a cup of coffee (or something else, if you’re like me) and pour out my heart to you. I want each of you to experience this refuge as my family has- as I have. Tonight has been one of those nights that are more difficult than others. I sit on my bed, tears streaming down, searching for something to ease the pain of not having my dad here with me. Nothing even begins to subside those longings except a peace that surpasses all understanding through the presence of Jesus in my life.

You see, He knew that this world did not offer us much. He knew that it was empty, sinful, and full of destruction just waiting to come to fruition. There was this huge gap that left us utterly hopeless. In order to reconcile, there had to be a sacrifice. Jesus submitted to the same temptations, emotions, and difficulties that we face as humans. He experienced it just as you and I do day in and day out- but He resolved in His heart that He was here to make a way, so He knew no sin. Can you imagine how difficult that had to be for Him? Yet, He persisted and still ended up at the cross. A perfect life lived, a sinful death died. Jesus hung on the tree, but it was me and you that God looked down and saw. He took our sin, our messes, our mistakes on His shoulders and He took the wrath of God that you and I deserved. DON’T TAKE THAT LIGHTLY. This is HUGE. You know how the story continues. He was buried, but did not stay there. Praise God He defeated your sin, walked out of the grave, and made a way for me and you to know true, living, thriving HOPE.

We try to make sense of all the bad in the world, the storms, the deaths, the sickness. Guys, if I sat around and tried to grasp why my dad died, I would live in a very bitter state. Here’s the truth- we live in a bad and fallen world full of fallen people. Therefore bad and fallen things happen. And there’s no refuge good enough to hide you away form that that resides on this Earth.

BUT, GOD

Through Him is a refuge that is secure, unmoved, unscathed by the disasters that take place outside. It might come into your life, but it cannot rock your foundation. With Christ, the victory is secure. The hope is set in place. And there is a sweet refuge found in the arms of our Abba Father. He brings light and shines through the cracks formed in our lives and allows them to become beacons of hope.

Seek refuge tonight, dear friends, in the one that truly keeps you safe.

Abba Father,

Thank you for being my refuge every single day that I wake up to face a new day. The darkness, the fear, the raging seas, mistakes abounding, tears flowing, mountains too high for me to climb, there is a safety, a peace, and a HOPE that is found in you alone. Jesus I praise your name holy name! Thank you bringing light to the broken and hurting places of my heart. Jesus, I pray that those reading this blog as they face pain in their life, that they would seek and find refuge in your salvation. That they would know you in a personal relationship and their lives would change dramatically because of it. I will continue to sing, because the battle has been won and the victory has been secured. You have delivered me, redeemed me, set me free, and promised to keep me forever.

I love you.

Love, Em

Psalm 46

God is our refuge and strength,
    a very present help in trouble.
Therefore we will not fear though the earth gives way,
    though the mountains be moved into the heart of the sea,
though its waters roar and foam,
    though the mountains tremble at its swelling. Selah

There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God,
    the holy habitation of the Most High.
God is in the midst of her; she shall not be moved;
    God will help her when morning dawns.
The nations rage, the kingdoms totter;
    he utters his voice, the earth melts.
The Lord of hosts is with us;
    the God of Jacob is our fortress. Selah

Come, behold the works of the Lord,
    how he has brought desolations on the earth.
He makes wars cease to the end of the earth;
    he breaks the bow and shatters the spear;
    he burns the chariots with fire.
“Be still, and know that I am God.
    I will be exalted among the nations,
    I will be exalted in the earth!” The Lord of hosts is with us;
    the God of Jacob is our fortress. Selah

Many times after a tragedy you experience a year of “firsts” as  you settle into a new reality. Whether it’s the heartbreak of a broken family, the loss of a loved one, or a lifelong sickness setting in, surely my family isn’t alone in experiencing the newness that comes after your world has been shaken.

Next year will be 15 years since my daddy stepped foot through our front door, or sat around our kitchen table for supper, or tucked us in at night and fell asleep while he scratched our backs. The first couple of years without him we faced many of the “firsts.” We woke up the day after he died to a life that looked completely different than the one we had been living. That emptiness we felt without him being physically present began immediately and came full force. Whether it was the big things like Christmas and birthdays, or the small occasions such as a tractor pulling by without him in it, or a school play that he couldn’t attend- each one came and went hurting just a little worse than the one before.

The happiest things in our lives have always stung just a little more knowing that a huge piece of our heart wouldn’t be standing by our sides. Getting announced homecoming court, walking outside to our first car, or getting ready for our senior prom- all exciting times that we learned to grit our teeth at and cling even more to Jesus during as we held back bittersweet tears. Graduating high school and preparing for college were some of the hardest times I have faced without my daddy, but they were very much expected. I knew that that season of life would tug on my heart a little more than the normal day.

Each time that we have experienced a “first” without him has seemed to come and go. That birthday passed, that excitement faded, and senior year came to a close. Recently my family has come upon a season, however, that has been an unexpected first. Personally, it has seemed more difficult to adjust to. It has been a time that won’t soon pass- but will become once again the new reality of our family.

A daughter dreams of the day her dad will one day walk her down the aisle to the one her soul has come to love. We count down the days until our wedding and husband become more than just a desire hidden in our hearts. Me and my sister aren’t exempt to those wants- we just knew they would play out very differently with our daddy not being here. It’s a first we had to yet to experience. When my sister got engaged we were all over the moon excited, but I couldn’t help but think of all that was about to happen to the dynamic of my family. The question that had always loomed in the back of our minds was finally at the forefront of our thoughts as we planned my sister’s wedding, “who would walk us down the aisle?” She made the perfect choice of Ben being the one to get the honor of seeing her handed away to Aaron, but the time didn’t come without its many tears and hurting hearts. We loved Aaron, we loved the marriage taking place, and we knew daddy would have, too. We were walking through a time in life that we had only anticipated, only wondered about. Beth and Aaron drove away the night of their wedding to the start of a new and beautiful life together, as our family took a turn to another first without daddy by our side.

Beth and Aaron now live in their own home, I moved back to school, and Ben is old enough to go and do without needing to be dropped off and picked up. I spent the summer at home and moving back to Troy was much more difficult this go round than it was the first. Not in the nerves and fear of a new place, but in knowing that my life at home was completely different. Please hear me out- it wasn’t a bad different. It was a good, exciting time in our lives! But that didn’t make every aspect of it easy. For my entire life we all lived inside the walls of the same home. Now it was all starting to look very different.

I wasn’t anticipating this to be a difficult transition. I wasn’t expecting for it to make me miss my dad and long for our family to be complete again more than I have in a long time. My mom is having to settle into the reality that one day we will all be off, and she will be behind to cheer us on. I hurt for my mom, seeing her walk through this “first” where she’s entering into her empty nesting stage of life without her husband by her side. Its tough. Its new. It’s untread waters.

What we have seen from our God in the past 15 years doesn’t restrict us as we go froward- it propels us. We have seen, we have tasted, and we know. The Lord has been faithful to us through scary times we have walked through before, so why would we begin to doubt Him now?

As I continue on day by day I will seek even more the heart of my God. Where I don’t understand, I will trust His promises. Where I hurt and cry, I will fall into His arms. I will hope in the truth of the victory that He has already secured. I will walk from that victory, not for it.

I cherish my home and my family. I cherish the seasons we have been through in the past, and I’m expectant of all the incredible times that await us up ahead. Maybe I’m the weird college kid that goes home more weekends than others, but having walked through what my family has walked through I just can’t help but want to spend every chance I get with them. As I get older it becomes less of a “have to” and more of a “want to.”

Friends, the Lord has been so good to us. Our circumstances don’t define His goodness. He brought life, hope, and joy to a place that shouldn’t have it. So although things seem different, we continue to rejoice in who He is. I am encouraged by the verses of 2 Corinthians 4 that say,

“But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us. We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted but not forsakes; struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying in the body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our bodies….

So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but that the things that are unseen are eternal.”

2 Corinthians 4:7-12, 16-18

Abba Father,

Thank you for constantly teaching me about your goodness and about your faithfulness. You’ve walked hand in hand with my family for so long, and we have no doubt that you will continue. Things do look different to us for right now, show our hearts the purpose that this season holds as the ones in the past have. Father, I love you so much. Thank you for shining light through our brokenness and speaking hope to a place of pain. You redefine life. Praise you, praise you, praise your holy and great name!

Love, Em

My mom has the greatest servants heart. She loves us so well. I wouldn’t be me without her.