The Glory in Our Story

Hurry up and wait. That’s the in-between I feel that I’ve lived in since February 18th. 

It’s been a little over 5 months since we lost the little one that lived inside me for 6 weeks. 

6 weeks. That’s all it took to change our lives forever. 

In the 5 months since that day I have walked through every emotion that one human can know. There have been days of deep grief, confusion, and questioning. Others have been filled with hope, peace, and even excitement for the future. 

I recently rewatched our wedding video. That day is full of so many sweet moments and memories! As I watched, my heart ached in a way that it had not before while reminiscing. As we said our vows and promised our lives to each other, there was one line that stuck out to me.

“I, Emily, in the presence of God, take you, Brannon, to be my husband, to love and to follow from this day forward, in good times and bad, when God gives and when He takes away…”

When I repeated those words that day I remember thinking of my mom. When she promised herself to my dad, she had no clue that the day she would have to say goodbye to him would come much sooner than she would have ever dreamed. Saying those words, because of my family’s story, I knew that they carried much weight with them. I recognized that we were not promised long lives, material wealth, and healthy bodies from now until eternity. I had walked through grief and seen God’s goodness in the taking away. Even in that, I did not know what was to come in our story and how difficult it would be to trust God in the taking away in our married life. 

Infertility was something that I always feared, but never actually believed would be something that I would walk through. I had the “that could never happen to me” mentality. When conversations began with my doctor that something might be a little off, my mind went into overdrive. Is it something I’m doing? What about my life needs to change to fix this? What have I done to cause this? 

For almost a year Brannon and I walked through test after test, doctor’s appointment after doctor’s appointment. We did a lot of hurrying to try and get to the root of the issues, but it seemed like a lot more waiting- waiting on test results, waiting to know what next steps were available, waiting to understand what all of this meant. 

I will never forget the feeling that I had when I saw my positive pregnancy test. There was utter disbelief and shock. How could this be? Was this happening? I always wondered what creative way I’d find to tell Brannon that he was going to be a dad. At that moment, all of those ideas flew out the window. I called him immediately and through the phone yelled “you have to go buy me more pregnancy tests! Right now!” To which he responded, “this is really how you are going to tell me this?!” There was no time for thinking! We were completely overjoyed! 

Only 6 weeks in and our baby’s heart stopped beating. Our joy quickly turned to sorrow. 

The Lord gives, the Lord takes away, blessed be the name of the Lord. 

It has been 5 months since then. 5 months of recovering, hurrying to get answers and next steps, and waiting on when we’d see that day come once again when 2 pink lines pop up on a pregnancy test. 

I don’t know how long we will be waiting. I don’t know how many more doctor visits and tests we will have to go through. We have no idea. So we hurry up to do what we can and wait on the Lord. 

I’ve spent a lot of time mulling over what it should be like to share our journey in this. Writing has always been an outlet for me, but this is also a deeply personal topic to many. What I have learned is that it is the story of far more couples than I ever recognized before I walked this road. And even in that, all of our stories look a bit different. Some women have been trying for years, others only a few months. Some couples have multiple babies in heaven, others have several in their arms. Regardless of the path for each family, many of the emotions and struggles are similar. Miscarriage and infertility are challenging and often silent battles. 

Sharing our story is therapeutic to me. The little life that we lost has value. I want to give it the space in our family that it deserves! The road of infertility is lonely, and I want other men and women walking through it to know they are not alone and that in Christ, there is hope. 

The glory in our story is not a baby. Of course, our prayer is that one day we will have the privilege to hold a little one of our own in our arms. We know, however, that is not promised to us. The glory in our story is God. The glory is how He is working gratitude in our hearts when they would naturally lean towards frustration. The glory is the patience we’re given when it would be easier to be impatient. The glory is the new understanding we are gaining in His Word. The glory is the depths of His character we are getting to experience. The glory is how He has united us with other people walking similar roads that can encourage, uplift, and bear our burdens with us. The glory is what He is allowing us to see that we would not have been able to see had we not been standing in the valley. 

His Word is true when it says He uses trials to grow steadfastness within us. One day, we will be perfect, lacking in nothing. That day will be when we meet Jesus face to face, and that is where our true home is (James 1). Our circumstances and experiences are real, but the promises of His Word are what is sure, steady, and trustworthy. They are what exist as our stronghold when the whole earth is shaking beneath our feet. His gospel is the only thing that makes sense of the sufferings of this world. 

In our lives right now we are hurrying to do what we can physically for our bodies to create and sustain life and then waiting to see what comes of it. I pray that more than physically, I am hurrying to read His Word, to fill my mind with His truth, to surround myself with Christian community and allow them to bear these burdens with me, to be present in my local body, to commit myself to prayer, and to graciously love, serve, and submit to my husband. As we do these things, let us wait on the Lord in hope. I know that it is in this place that I learn true dependence on Him. 

He is making all things new! Praise God – our suffering is not wasted.