Fourteen years ago today we lost my dad to cancer. I’ve been bitter all day long.
The thing is, the bitterness wasn’t because I’ve been walking around upset and missing my dad. That sounds horrible, I know. Instead, I was mopey because I had to get up early and go to the doctor when I wanted to sleep. The gym was too full for me and I didn’t get to do everything I wanted to do before I had to leave. And then I had to go into work and carry out groceries in the pouring down rain when I wanted to be at home doing something productive (like watching Netflix, you get my point.) I was being selfish, and very bratty. I wasn’t getting my way, things weren’t going as planned, and the fact that it was a day that usually meant so much to my family- I wasn’t even dwelling on the memory of my dad.
During my shift at work I was wresting with the Lord. I didn’t want to commend to the “Publix customer service” that they require of their employees. I was’t in the mood for groceries, and bagging, and checking people out. The truth is, I had been wrestling the Lord way before I went into work today. Grace is something that seems elementary to grasp, but for some reason I make it really complex. Grace is given freely, but so many times when I mess up I feel the weight of guilt as if I have fallen out from under it. Many times, without realizing, I try and earn a grace that can only be received, not granted. I’ve been slacking on quiet time, preparing for mission trips, and on just being productive on things I need to get done. Instead I am filling the free time I have investing my emotions to a fake family on Netflix that just adopted a little boy, found out they had cancer, and are moving to Kansas. One episode after the next, and 5 hours down the drain. Or either I am making a to-do list and stressing about what needs to be taken care of without actually ever accomplishing anything. So, the past few days I haven’t been at ease. I felt guilty. I knew I had been walking in sin. I knew I had been making things idols in my life above my time with the Lord and being lazy towards tasks that needed to be done. In my mind, I had “fallen away” from grace and how could the Lord take me back once again when I was doing all that I needed to be doing for Him?
How can you fall away from something that you didn’t earn in the first place?
I read a blog a few weeks ago and one section really stuck out to me. It described the truth behind our guilt and insecurity. Something that resonated with me so closely was that sometimes our guilt is produced from a place of pride. How? Because we are expecting to some day never have to ask for forgiveness and never mess up. We’re relying on our ability to be “enough” for grace. However, we have nothing to offer and never will have anything to offer that makes us more applicable for the gift of grace. If it did, there would have been no reason for the cross.
So, as I drove home from work the Lord opened up His hands to me once again and poured out the same unending grace.
I began to think about my dad and the life that he lived and the legacy that he left. I’ve written about him before and how incredible he was, so I won’t take the time to do that again (although if you haven’t read about him, check out some of my previous posts!) It’s so neat to me how the Lord has used such a painful experience in my life to continually teach me, and draw me nearer to Himself. Over the past month I have been reading the book of Revelation. I used to have the mentality of “there’s no point in that, Jesus wins so I’m good.” But as I began to flip through each chapter, the Lord showed me how wrong that mindset was. Revelation is a tricky book. While all the other books of the Bible speak of the past, this one speaks of what’s to come- what no one has ever experienced in the physical. So, many times it is confusing and overwhelming. But as I began to unpack the truth of the Revelations, the Lord began to reveal to me the importance of this book. I have three chapters left before I’m done. Now that I’ve almost read through the entire book, I have such a different view of Revelation. The Lord wouldn’t have given us these revelations if they had no purpose. I don’t have all the end times figured out, but what I have learned through reading these scriptures is the importance of the urgency of the Gospel and the beauty of salvation.
At a devotion given at work (Eagle Eye Outfitters) the other day, one of my coworkers said, “we weren’t called to make believers, we were called to make disciples.” What truth! And how well that relates to how I’ve been learning of what’s to come. As christians, how seriously are we taking our responsibility to take the TRUTH and the LIFE of Jesus Christ to those around us? We travel to other countries, and we post Instagram photos with Bible verses, and we talk about how we love Jesus, but have we truly grasped what’s taken place and what lies ahead? The bridegroom is coming for His bride!!
My dad understood this. He had experienced the power of the cross in his own life, and because of that everything looked different. Cancer didn’t define his life, chemo couldn’t steal his joy, and even as he faced the last days he didn’t cease to give thanks to his God. He made it his mission to view his sickness as a way to glorify the Lord and to not just make believers, but disciples of the God that had rescued His soul! Countless times I’ve talked with people that knew my daddy before and during his sickness and to hear them speak of how his boldness and willingness to be used by God even in the most difficult days of his life changed their lives forever, in an eternal way, makes the pain and the sadness of him not being here so incredibly worth it. Not only that, but it pushes me to do the same with my life day in and day out. Boy, do I fail at it. But how great are His mercies and grace that never run out or run dry. Praise God that He hasn’t asked us to be the source but to drink from the source and just pour out what has been poured in.
Life is so difficult, with so many challenges faced every day. As we enter into this Father’s Day, I beg you to examine where you stand with the Lord. Not for just the sake of forgiveness of your sins and then a ticket to live as you please while still having the security of heaven, because friends if that’s what you see then your view of grace is cheap and incorrect. The Lord asks nothing of us, but He demands our all. Salvation doesn’t make that a burden but a desire. Because when you have experienced a God that can swallow death up in victory and speak life over dry bones, why would you want anything but to give your life over to the only true hope and joy and strength and purpose?
Happy Father’s Day to all of you incredible dads. You deserve so much celebration.
Today I will celebrate my dad and the life that he lived. Yes, it might be a little more difficult. But, yet, I will rejoice! Because cancer doesn’t have the final say.
Abba Father,
Thank you for being my daddy. For loving me and pouring out your grace. For knowing me fully, and loving me fully. I love being your daughter and getting to dance in the light of your victory every day of my life, despite whatever circumstance I might be facing. Lord, increase in me the urgency of the Gospel and boldness to take it as I go. Keep changing my life by your salvation where it causes me to know nothing else but to respond in sharing it with all that I can through my love, my words, and my actions. Thank you for giving me victory. Thank you for giving my dad victory. Thank you for giving my family victory. I can’t wait till that marriage feast with you. I praise you God, I praise you God! I know nothing else to do but praise your precious name!
Love,
Em
Happy Father’s Day, daddy! We are celebrating you today!
Remember + Rejoice 